Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize