you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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