that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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