She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
