Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
