We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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