Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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