She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize