I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
