So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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