Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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