so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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