he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
