Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
