In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
