I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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