please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
