There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
