Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
