OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
