John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
