I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
