Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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