You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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