You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
