Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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