i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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