I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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