How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
