my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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