the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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