apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
