how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My ATM looks so different sober.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
