I smell stomach acid.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize