I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
