i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
