my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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