Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
