i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
