So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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