A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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