my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
