I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
