I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
