I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
