you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
