True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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