im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
