I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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