I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
