the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
