She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
