she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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