I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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