What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
