I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
