He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
