I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
