i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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