There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
