Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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