He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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