Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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