I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
