I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize