She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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