it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
