If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
