I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
