I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
