why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
