I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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