You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
