1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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