You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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