Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
