Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
