Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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