I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
