i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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