remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You can't special order awesome
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
