Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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