so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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